Mar 06 2008
I’m just not enough
I’ve been struggling for the last few days with inadequacy as a parent. Mainly it stems from Fuller’s budding need for socialization (i.e. playmates) and knowing I can’t fulfill this need by myself.
Everyday Fuller names specific friends he has made through mom’s group or Sunday School, asking to play with them. And some days he gets to play with them, but most days he doesn’t. I sit down and play cars, trains, and tools with him, but somehow I am not enough. He tells me I’m doing it wrong, giving an exasperated sigh and telling me, “Fuller do it.”
It has been interesting to see Fuller evolve from a kid who plays in a room with another child to a kid who plays with the other child. On Tuesday he was playing tag in his room with a friend. The last time this friend was over, they each played cars in their own corners of Fuller’s room.
Today I took Fuller to the park and there were no other kids around, which he immediately noticed. We tried to play hide and seek, which was fun for a while, but eventually Fuller tired of chasing me and sat down for a minute or two. Then he asked to go home. I admit I cried a little bit, just because this has been weighing on my mind a lot lately and Fuller seemed so lonely.
I realize my heart has been heavily depending on a second child coming along to eventually fill the instant playmate role. Or at least the second kid would be a distraction enough for me not to feel the weight of being Fuller’s primary playmate. Adjusting my focus for what I think our family will eventually look like to what it is right now is a bit like getting new glasses. It requires some getting used to. And then my inadequate feelings cloud my thoughts. I start thinking I haven’t been enough of an advocate for my son to be in social situations. (As an aside, I must stress our family needs these situations to be free. So, Mother’s Day Out or The Little Gym are not really options for us.)
In January I made goals for myself, but I think I am ready now to try at least one goal for my son: make at least three playdates a month. Three seems a little low, but with all our traveling and stuff going on in our house, I think it is attainable. And in addition to Mom’s Group and Sunday School, it might be enough of a boost for now. And if it isn’t, I’ll find more playmates or figure out a way to get an instant playmate.
Technorati Tags: family, only child, playmates
I understand where you are coming from. I am not a “get on the floor and play with kids” type of person, so it is a bit hard for me to just do that with him. He loves to be alone, but then there are times he just HAS to be with others. One thing that has helped is his jiu jitsu class 3 times a week. I get there early and stay a bit late so he can have fun with his classmates. We also started going to the library every Wednesday morning for story time. He has friends there. The problem is when we get home and there is no one left, or the days when he doesn’t have classes. It gets to be too much. I can’t trust the kids in this area, as so many are being taught to not like my son due to his heritage. It’s really sad. I can’t tell you the number of times I have cried over this. The other thing is that even if you did have another child, you can’t guarantee that they will be civil to each other. My 2 sisters are mortal enemies.
Inadequacy in everything is a battle I fight daily, and mothering him the right way is the biggest issue of all.
Hugs to you@!!!!!
I feel your pain. As much as a sibling would help a little bit, the newness wears off and then they realize that they can’t play with the baby til they are much older, so it’s like a 2 year process. The age difference at this age is huge. I have the same problems and so wish for a sibling for Morgen, but at this point there would be a 6 year difference. I would have loved to have one closer in age but circumstances being as they were, (infertile, split up) it just wasn’t in the cards. But it is also the more time she gets with her friends, cousins, the more she wants. It is a never ending battle. She did get a little better once she got to school.